Saturday, September 03, 2005

Nobody's forcing me to listen

John Sterling: Here comes Robby Cano, and wow, I gotta say, this kid just looks like a hitter. He's hitting safely-- and I only know this because I just looked it up-- in something like 2 or 3 out of every 10 at-bats.
Susan Waldman: Absolutely, John. You know, I talked to Robby before the game.
JS: Yeah, obviously, this kid is gonna be around for a long time. Let me tell you something. Ball one. Let me tell you something. As you know, obviously, I can't stand statistics. I fear them. I don't understand their proper uses. It confuses me when a .220 hitter gets a base hit. It goes to show you that statistics are meaningless. You can throw them out the window.
SW: Absolutely, John. Statistics are a poor way to empirically record discrete events. They're just about the worst way imaginable to approximate probabilities of future events.
JS: Called strike. If it were up to me, they wouldn't print statistics on the back of baseball cards. They'd print-- you know where I'm going, Susan?
SW: Horse-sense, John.
JS: Horse-sense.
SW: I gotta tell you, I agree with you 100%.
JS: They'd print my subjective impressions, enriched by experience, of each player. Like this: "Robby Cano, 2B, throws right & bats left. He's built like a sleek racehorse." Take that to the bank, baby. He takes ball two.
SW: I made vigorous love to Jorge Posada before the game today. Smallest penis on the Yanks, by the way. Then I had canapes with marine biologist Dr. Sylvia Earle. I just had enough time to squeeze in a jam session with the former bassist from the long-forgotten group Huggy Bear.
JS: Ball three. You know, if the Yankees fail to score this inning, Randy Johnson is going to have to bear down, obviously. He wanted to come here, Susan. He wanted to come here and to be part of a pennant race. Well, obviously, he's here.
SW: I'd like to echo your smug, judgmental tone. I'd also like to sprinkle in a sense of entitlement: these are the New York Yankees. He needs to live up to our standards. Besides, I spoke to him before the game, and he still looks like ten miles of bad road.
JS: Wow.