Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: #99

Here at CC&P we're counting down the 100 Greatest Things Of All Time, using your votes, my noxious prejudices, a random walk ranking algorithm as per Freschi (2007), and the cold empirical facts of greatness as made manifest since time began. What's eligible? I'll tell you, you fat fuck. Everything. Everything aggregated or elemental, corporeal or conceptual, that one might modify with an adjective: in short, any noun.

#99: Weird Dream That A Merychippus Had One Time
About 12.7 million years ago, there lived a Merychippus (an early ancestor of the horse), in present-day Nebraska. Its high-crowned cheek teeth allowed it to become the first grazing horse; its previously unsurpassed hight (4 feet) made it rather uppity. One night, it was sleeping in a matted swirl of high grass. It had this really weird dream. It was in a familiar grove of trees along a river, only it wasn't really the familiar grove-- it's hard to explain. Anyhoo, the dream progressed into an explosion of proto-horse eroticism suffused with a kind of questing mysticism. There were revelations, nocturnal emissions, synesthesia. It seemed totally real. It was weird, but awesome.

The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: So Far
100: The 1989 Honda Civic LX sedan (manual transmission)
99: Weird dream that a Merychippus had one time

Monday, July 28, 2008

The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: #100

Here at CC&P we're counting down the 100 Greatest Things Of All Time, using your votes, my noxious prejudices, a random walk ranking algorithm as per Freschi (2007), and the cold empirical facts of greatness as made manifest since time began. What's eligible? I'll tell you, you fat fuck. Everything. Everything aggregated or elemental, corporeal or conceptual, which one might modify with an adjective: in short, any noun. So let's begin:

#100: The 1989 Honda Civic LX sedan (manual transmission)
Who better to merge fuel efficiency with comfort than the wizards at Honda? This 4-door humdinger of a sedan, though not spectacularly novel in any single way, nonetheless perfected disparate mechanical and design challenges to create the perfect package. 92 horses, 1.5-liter 16-valve engine, double-wishbone suspension, and power windows. 98.4-inch wheelbase: a stretch limo? No-- the 1989 Honda Civic LX, haterz!

"The apogee of the economy car," proclaimed the renowned sculptor and unlikely automobile critic Ann Hamilton in a special article for Car & Driver magazine. Hamilton was not alone in her devotion to the 1989 Civic LX. Lenny Dykstra drove his Civic from New York to Philadelphia following the trade that brought him to the Phillies, later recalling the dreamlike drive down 295: "To be honest with you, I didn't think I could do it. I really didn't. I loved the Mets; I really loved them, you know? And the Phillies seemed a little, I don't know, kind of frighteningly masculine. So I thought I'd quit playing for a little while, maybe get into origami or something, I don't know. I had a faggoty little cousin who was really into making paper cranes. It sounded peaceful. But somehow-- I don't know how-- I got myself into that car sometime around 10am and drove down to Veterans for a night game. I always felt real good in that car. Safe. And guess what? It was a real ruminative drive. The engine purred at a resonant frequency with my thoughts, allowing me to see the trade in a wider perspective. I thought, fuck it. I'll play. And I did, and you can read the rest in the history books. I loved that god-damn car." It should be noted that Dykstra was driving a Mercedes when he drunkenly crashed into a tree two years later.

Plus, my Civic has 260,000 miles on it and is going strong.

The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time

I'd like to take a moment to thank all of the enthusiastic readers who sent in their votes. Your participation and engagement keeps Corn Chips & Pie a vibrant community resource. I know a lot of readers get a kick out of our annual "100 Greatest Things Of All Time" feature, and-- to tell you the truth-- it's a lot of fun for us too!

I notice that our email is still being flooded with votes from regions as far-flung as McMurdo Sound and Cupertino, so I should just reiterate that the final vote tally was recorded last night. But don't lose heart-- save your votes for next year!

It's your support and your generous donations that allow us to bring premium Corn Chips & Pie content to you, for absolutely free, year-round. We want you to continue to enjoy this public web-log in perpetuity, or at least until the blacks take over the internet. So please, please consider a modest donation. You may contact our ombudsman for details on how to donate.

For $100 (that's only 100 divided by 12 dollars per month!), you'll receive as generous recompense for your largesse an authentic whipsaw emblazoned with the CC&P logo (designed by Chip Kidd). For $1000 (that's only 1000 divided by 52 dollars per week!) we'll send you the goat's bladder canteen carried by Dr. William Brydon on his tragic retreat from Kabul to Jalalabad in 1842 . For $10,000, which is a whole lot of money, to be honest with you, we'll send you three items from the Top 100 Greatest Things Of All Time. Our choice.

The countdown starts tomorrow with #100. Let's get ready to have some fun! But let's also be ready to learn.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Semioticians: They're Just Like Us!

Interviewer:  Are there any shows that you particularly love?

Eco:  The police series.  Starsky and Hutch, for instance.
Interviewer:  That show doesn't exist anymore.  It's from the seventies.
Eco:  I know, but I was told that the complete series was just released on DVD, so I am thinking of acquiring it.