Saturday, November 12, 2005

Revisionism can be fun

Bush hits two cute talking points: 1) criticism of the administration is harming our troops in Iraq, and 2) critics are engaging in "historical revisionism." I think talking point #1 may backfire, if only because of the general mood of the country: "Undermine Our Troops" bumper stickers are outselling yellow ribbons by a 2-1 margin.

But I don't really understand #2. First off, there is the obvious point that the administration's favorite pastime has long been revising the bare facts of the present to suit its needs. But second, I feel like it'd be a fair trade: Kansas gets to revise science, we get to revise history. And finally, I freely admit that I'd love to revise history. Here are some textbook ideas:

There would have to be a chapter titled "Rise of the Mollusks." There would be a look at the glorious two-term reign of President Roger Clinton. Then, my look at the Iraq war: an army of anthropomorphic polecats rides elephants into Baghdad, peacefully freeing the country from the Baath party yoke. Cheers, huzzahs. Then the polecat army turns its attention to the Bush administration, invading Abramoff's DC restaurant ("Signatures"), capturing and imprisoning Cheney, Feith, Abramoff, Wolfowitz, Libby, Rove, Rice, and whoever else I can think of. The prisoners are taken to CIA black ops facilities & treated in a manner that may arguably be inconsistent with the Geneva Convention, if you're nitpicky and into fine distinctions. If someone's gonna be tortured in my name, well, you know.