Friday, January 06, 2006

The Year In Celebrity

2005 was an absolutely celeb-riffic year; we were up to our keisters in vicarious thrills. Let's go month-by-month and recap the happenings that caused us to hump our pillows in lonely ecstasy, weeping as we stuffed our faces full of Toblerone. First half now, second half later if you're quiet and don't complain.

January: 2005 started off with a bang as funnyman Pete Incaviglia blew up a pumpkin with a cherry bomb during a taping of the Judy Bodine show.

February: speaking of bizarre hijinks, who can forget celebrity chef Tony Delhomme's meltdown during his Food Network show? He crammed an entire copy of Dianetics up his ass, as America wondered if perhaps there might be something to this Scientology after all.

March: a somewhat well-groomed young man with tenuous celebrity associations went on a spree of child molestation and genocide, sending Gawker into paroxysms of delight.

April: noted anorexic ingenue Yvette Weisberg (no longer "Y-Wei," she proclaimed on the Bodine show) shocked the international agricultural development community by developing a new rice cultivar that produces higher yields in upland drought-prone areas.

May: America was riveted by the courtship of Derek Robeson and sleek, honey-thighed minx JoJo McNabb. Us Weekly scored big with its exclusive photos of their first penetration, achieved with innovative use of a fiber-optic camera positioned in Robeson's urethra.

June: Scandal! Washington was rocked as America's sweetheart, Alan Thorpe, the Kennedy-esque deputy assistant secretary of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, was photographed by The New Republic slurping gravy out of a bowl at TGI Friday's. Like a common dog.