Friday, January 19, 2007

Jack Evans here

Hmm. I still think I can do 5 posts per week. Stay with me, foax. Don't give up on this old fool.

To end your week, let me tell you more about Jack Evans:
Jack Evans takes success seriously. He's got a dog-eared copy of The Art Of War on his bookshelf. Though he doesn't buy into all that motivational seminar crap, he does appreciate the value of spotting counterintuitive kinships between the world of business and other disciplines. Jack Evans thinks that he and Muhammad Ali have a lot in common. He once saw a documentary on Cubism; sometimes, during meetings, he tries to imagine how Picasso might address the fucked-up vendor negotiation.

Jack Evans digs Frank Lloyd Wright, mainly because he read The Fountainhead in college. He doesn't remember much about it except (a) architects get serious pussy, and (b) liberal social conscience is for losers. Not that he's a dick. No no; Jack goes out of his way to be nice to the little guy. He talks football with the guys who deliver Poland Spring. He makes sure to remember every employee's name at his Starbucks. And, of course, he makes liberal use of the other person's name in every conversation. Look 'em in the eye, shake hands firmly, smile, and pepper your patter with their Christian names. Trust-building is good business.

Jack will sometimes prep you for his monologues with the trifecta: "Hey, just so you know, a little FYI, little heads-up." But he's doesn't just mouth suitspeak; Jack is usually several months ahead of his coworkers in co-opting African-American slang, and is ruthless about dropping outdated slang. Just last week, he mocked Dave in Marketing for saying "fo' shizzle." Dave will never say it again. Dave knows who the big dog is. Jack Evans is the big dog.