#69: Feldspar
Common, but uncommonly great, if you know what I mean.
#68: Power Locks
Very convenient.
#67: The Interdental Fricative
Without it, lisping wouldn't be nearly as funny.
#66: The Fake Punt
With a fake field goal, you're swapping a shot at 3 points for a shot at 7. With a fake punt, it looks like you're giving the ball away... but NO! And, unless it's a fumblerooski play, the punter usually has to do something to which he is unaccustomed: 1) throw the ball, 2) run the ball, 3) take a massive fucking hit. The fake punt gives rise to something even better:
#65: The Moment When Defenders Realize There's A Fake Punt
I love this moment. I could watch it on instant replay over and over again. "Ok, hit my blocker, drop back for the return... WHA?" If I had a "coach's clicker" (what ever happened to that?), I would wear the thing out.
#64: The Greater Kudu
Don't look for the lesser kudu further down on this list, for obvious reasons.
#63: Coffee Shops Posting That Onion Article By The Counter
You know, the one with the headline "Sources: Barista Not Actually Flirting With You". Lots of cafes go this route. Although it might seem like a big fuck-you to the customer, it makes purchasing coffee a far less pressure-filled transaction. Now you can wear anything when you go for your morning joe. This morning, for some reason, I had rubbed chutney over my body and then rolled around in Puffed Kashi. Ordinarily I would get dressed before stepping outside to grab coffee, but this time I didn't even put on my plastic batting helmet.
#62: Winter Olympics-Based James Bond Chase Scenes
It's kind of hard to go wrong here.
#61: Protein Folding
From what I understand, it's very important.
#60: A.O. Scott
I saw him in a Tribeca cafe last month. He looked doughy. If I had grabbed him by the lapels and spoken to him (spittle flying out of my mouth, misting his glasses), it would have been to compliment him on his review of "Away We Go," which was kind of perfect. God, Sam Mendes is horrible.
The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: So Far
100: The 1989 Honda Civic LX sedan (manual transmission)
99: Weird dream that a Merychippus had one time
98: The sun
97: Pharrell Williams
96: A shack near San Gregorio, CA
95: The breakfast sandwich
94: Antimony
93: Seeing through Melville's bullshit
92: The scrappy white guy
91: Barack Hussein Obama
90: Foam
89: Dinosaur tributes
88: The way Jason Statham would pronounce "hydrocortisone"
87: Fruit
86: Light
85: Vernon Davis
84: 9969 Braille
83: Brick
82: The balk rule
81: Ink
80: This answer to the question "Is it possible to have wooden legs and real feet?"
79: Determinism
78: Quantum Mechanics
77: Will Clark
76: Man Vs. Wild
75: Jockeys
74: Glass
73: The Oval Logos Of The Late 1990s
72: Edamame
71: Baby Wipe Warmer Cleaner Holder Rags
70: Bouncing
69: Feldspar
68: Power Locks
67: The Interdental Fricative
66: The Fake Punt
65: The Moment When Defenders Realize There's A Fake Punt
64: The Greater Kudu
63: Coffee Shops Posting That Onion Article By The Counter
62: Winter Olympics-Based James Bond Chase Scenes
61: Protein Folding
60: A.O. Scott
Friday, February 19, 2010
The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: #69-60
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: #79-70
#79: Determinism
Takes the worry out of those awful circumstances when you're brushing your teeth but also have to urinate. Should you
a) finish brushing your teeth, then urinate?
b) stop brushing your teeth, urinate, then resume brushing your teeth?
c) urinate while brushing your teeth?
Ultimately, it does not matter, and you are causally (though perhaps not morally) blameless no matter what you think you decide to do. Initial conditions + the laws of physics = whatever, you know!
#78: Quantum mechanics
Like most of post-1900 physical theory, sufficiently opaque to provide aid & comfort to anyone seeking to rescue some cherished fantasy from implausibility (see free will, above).
#77: Will Clark
A racist hunter who had a massive belly by the end of his career, this sweet-swingin' phenom hit a home run off Nolan Ryan in his very first major-league at-bat.
#76: Man Vs. Wild
This show is awesome. Relentless hard man and self-promoter Bear Grylls performs increasingly stagy survival-type bullshit on the Discovery Channel. The show has finally abandoned all pretense that Bear is ever actually at risk or teaching us anything about survival. On the episode I saw most recently, Bear taught the audience that the best way to survive being stranded in the Sahara is to find either 1) a well, or 2) a section of coastline that has a shipwreck filled with octopi. The show seems aimed at people who have never spent any time outside while not complaining. Watch Bear climb down a moderately steep grade! "You've got to be careful around these sharp rocks. They could result in a twisted ankle.... or worse."
#75: Jockeys
They are adorable. Hey, you know what I also like? The word "space" when applied to a designed interior, and the word "piece" when applied to an item of design. "This is a great space for that piece." "I like this piece in your space." "What a great space! Ooh, nice piece."
#74: Glass
Of all the miraculous things in this miraculous, miraculous universe, glass must surely be the seventy-fourth most miraculous.
#73: The Oval Logos Of The Late 1990s
Remember when? Remember when you could get a free Nordic Track by going to www.freenordictrack.com? Remember when venture capitalists threw money at FreeNordicTrack because there were some really creative people working there, and-- although it was not yet clear what the business model would be-- FreeNordicTrack was revolutionizing the way that people got free Nordic Tracks? I remember those days. And I'm not quite sure, but I think that the logo for FreeNordicTrack was inside of a dynamic-looking oval, with an arrow shooting tangentially out of the oval and upward (never downward!) into space.
Ovals! Nothing looked as web-savvy as the oval. Nothing said "we are members of the digerati" like an oval.
#72: Edamame
Soybeans cost about 3 cents per ton. Edamame costs about $5 per pound. Yet again, the pigs have it easy, while we get screwed.
#71: Baby Wipe Warmer Cleaner Holder Rags
I know it seems totally ridiculous-- another example of consumerism gone mad-- but I swear these things have totally saved my life! These rags are tailor-made for cleaning the holders of baby wipe warmer cleaners. You'd be surprised how often baby wipe warmer cleaner holders get smudged. And of course our baby wipe warmer cleaner holders get a ton of use, because they hold all our baby wipe warmer cleaner! Will you excuse me for a minute? I'm going to go violently kill myself!
#70: Bouncing
Although it has been well-chronicled in lay science books, and it's a common factoid trotted out at cocktail parties, it bears repeating here: there is literally no reason why the phenomenon of bouncing exists. Physicists have run the numbers (because that's what physicists do: they run numbers), and both the Newtonian model and the quantum mechanical model work equally well with and without bouncing. Bouncing is an entirely frivolous bit of bunting on the universe. A signature flourish, if you will, by God. Indeed, many scientists have seen the existence of bouncing as evidence that the universe was created by a single Creator who gave his only son to redeem the sinful human race, and who allows instantaneous sanctification through the perfection of "holiness" in opposition to traditional Methodist thought but not quite in line with modern Pentecostal theology.
The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: So Far
100: The 1989 Honda Civic LX sedan (manual transmission)
99: Weird dream that a Merychippus had one time
98: The sun
97: Pharrell Williams
96: A shack near San Gregorio, CA
95: The breakfast sandwich
94: Antimony
93: Seeing through Melville's bullshit
92: The scrappy white guy
91: Barack Hussein Obama
90: Foam
89: Dinosaur tributes
88: The way Jason Statham would pronounce "hydrocortisone"
87: Fruit
86: Light
85: Vernon Davis
84: 9969 Braille
83: Brick
82: The balk rule
81: Ink
80: This answer to the question "Is it possible to have wooden legs and real feet?"
79: Determinism
78: Quantum Mechanics
77: Will Clark
76: Man Vs. Wild
75: Jockeys
74: Glass
73: The Oval Logos Of The Late 1990s
72: Edamame
71: Baby Wipe Warmer Cleaner Holder Rags
70: Bouncing
Takes the worry out of those awful circumstances when you're brushing your teeth but also have to urinate. Should you
a) finish brushing your teeth, then urinate?
b) stop brushing your teeth, urinate, then resume brushing your teeth?
c) urinate while brushing your teeth?
Ultimately, it does not matter, and you are causally (though perhaps not morally) blameless no matter what you think you decide to do. Initial conditions + the laws of physics = whatever, you know!
#78: Quantum mechanics
Like most of post-1900 physical theory, sufficiently opaque to provide aid & comfort to anyone seeking to rescue some cherished fantasy from implausibility (see free will, above).
#77: Will Clark
A racist hunter who had a massive belly by the end of his career, this sweet-swingin' phenom hit a home run off Nolan Ryan in his very first major-league at-bat.
#76: Man Vs. Wild
This show is awesome. Relentless hard man and self-promoter Bear Grylls performs increasingly stagy survival-type bullshit on the Discovery Channel. The show has finally abandoned all pretense that Bear is ever actually at risk or teaching us anything about survival. On the episode I saw most recently, Bear taught the audience that the best way to survive being stranded in the Sahara is to find either 1) a well, or 2) a section of coastline that has a shipwreck filled with octopi. The show seems aimed at people who have never spent any time outside while not complaining. Watch Bear climb down a moderately steep grade! "You've got to be careful around these sharp rocks. They could result in a twisted ankle.... or worse."
#75: Jockeys
They are adorable. Hey, you know what I also like? The word "space" when applied to a designed interior, and the word "piece" when applied to an item of design. "This is a great space for that piece." "I like this piece in your space." "What a great space! Ooh, nice piece."
#74: Glass
Of all the miraculous things in this miraculous, miraculous universe, glass must surely be the seventy-fourth most miraculous.
#73: The Oval Logos Of The Late 1990s
Remember when? Remember when you could get a free Nordic Track by going to www.freenordictrack.com? Remember when venture capitalists threw money at FreeNordicTrack because there were some really creative people working there, and-- although it was not yet clear what the business model would be-- FreeNordicTrack was revolutionizing the way that people got free Nordic Tracks? I remember those days. And I'm not quite sure, but I think that the logo for FreeNordicTrack was inside of a dynamic-looking oval, with an arrow shooting tangentially out of the oval and upward (never downward!) into space.
Ovals! Nothing looked as web-savvy as the oval. Nothing said "we are members of the digerati" like an oval.
#72: Edamame
Soybeans cost about 3 cents per ton. Edamame costs about $5 per pound. Yet again, the pigs have it easy, while we get screwed.
#71: Baby Wipe Warmer Cleaner Holder Rags
I know it seems totally ridiculous-- another example of consumerism gone mad-- but I swear these things have totally saved my life! These rags are tailor-made for cleaning the holders of baby wipe warmer cleaners. You'd be surprised how often baby wipe warmer cleaner holders get smudged. And of course our baby wipe warmer cleaner holders get a ton of use, because they hold all our baby wipe warmer cleaner! Will you excuse me for a minute? I'm going to go violently kill myself!
#70: Bouncing
Although it has been well-chronicled in lay science books, and it's a common factoid trotted out at cocktail parties, it bears repeating here: there is literally no reason why the phenomenon of bouncing exists. Physicists have run the numbers (because that's what physicists do: they run numbers), and both the Newtonian model and the quantum mechanical model work equally well with and without bouncing. Bouncing is an entirely frivolous bit of bunting on the universe. A signature flourish, if you will, by God. Indeed, many scientists have seen the existence of bouncing as evidence that the universe was created by a single Creator who gave his only son to redeem the sinful human race, and who allows instantaneous sanctification through the perfection of "holiness" in opposition to traditional Methodist thought but not quite in line with modern Pentecostal theology.
The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: So Far
100: The 1989 Honda Civic LX sedan (manual transmission)
99: Weird dream that a Merychippus had one time
98: The sun
97: Pharrell Williams
96: A shack near San Gregorio, CA
95: The breakfast sandwich
94: Antimony
93: Seeing through Melville's bullshit
92: The scrappy white guy
91: Barack Hussein Obama
90: Foam
89: Dinosaur tributes
88: The way Jason Statham would pronounce "hydrocortisone"
87: Fruit
86: Light
85: Vernon Davis
84: 9969 Braille
83: Brick
82: The balk rule
81: Ink
80: This answer to the question "Is it possible to have wooden legs and real feet?"
79: Determinism
78: Quantum Mechanics
77: Will Clark
76: Man Vs. Wild
75: Jockeys
74: Glass
73: The Oval Logos Of The Late 1990s
72: Edamame
71: Baby Wipe Warmer Cleaner Holder Rags
70: Bouncing
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)