Thursday, December 04, 2008

The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: #90

#90: Foam

There was a vigorous internal debate about this entry; that's why it took so long. Corn Chips & Pie staff members-- a team of rivals-- were bitterly divided, turning this seemingly inoffensive substance into ground zero for the culture wars. There were harsh words, resignations, even low-grade violence (slap fights). Not even time may heal these wounds. The figurative ones, I mean. Allow me to recap the various arguments:

  • Pro: Ocean foam (or, if you prefer, "turgid, roiling sea-cream") is lovely.
  • Pro: The line " the oceans, white with foooooaaaaam" is the high point of "God Bless America."
  • Pro: Foam is a comfortable substance upon which to sleep.
  • Pro/Con: The very fabric of space-time may be a type of foam.
  • Pro: Foam "#1" fingers allow sports fans to convey a sentiment otherwise inexpressible, freeing the hitherto unrealized notion from the nebulous aether outside the gates of human communicability.
  • Pro: Prior to the invention of foam by Jesus Christ, people shaved with menstrual blood.
  • Pro: Some people enjoy foam on their twee little coffee drinks.
I really don't see what the fuss was all about. Foam!

The 100 Greatest Things Of All Time: So Far
100: The 1989 Honda Civic LX sedan (manual transmission)
99: Weird dream that a Merychippus had one time
98: The sun
97: Pharrell Williams
96: A shack near San Gregorio, CA
95: The breakfast sandwich
94: Antimony
93: Seeing through Melville's bullshit
92: The scrappy white guy
91: Barack Hussein Obama
90: Foam